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I married young. He was in the service, I was away from home. But many of the people around us where getting married to, it seems it was part of the culture for the young service men to get out of bunking with other men, they had to be married. I remember when I was getting ready for my wedding hearing women tell stories of how they had a hard time remembering their new last name, and even women who had been married for sometime told of times when they would make a mistake and write their maiden name. I did not have that problem. Not once did I get my new name wrong. I was so happy to shed the old one, that I had no problem remembering the new one.
When we split up a few years later the thought of taking my maiden name back never entered my mind. I had my name, I liked my name, it was who I was. I owned it. Through a series of circumstances we weren't actually divorced for many years and when the divorce came through I had a young son in elementary school. All of his friends knew my last name, and I did not want to confuse him, or his friends, by changing it. He had never met my ex-husband, I did not know how to explain it to him. So I kept my married name, and had no problem doing so honestly. Although by now the thought had entered my mind, I still owned my name.
Why? Well two things come to mind. One, my maiden name I think was somewhat of an embarrassment to me. Two, I think that keeping my married name kept me remembering that I owed my ex-husband a debt for destroying our marriage. My own personal way to remember to feel guilty for my past.
Why did I feel guilty? I cheated on my wonderful husband while he was away at war. What kind of person does that? I always have considered my self a good person, with morals and thoughtfulness. But this was not a moral or thoughtful thing to do. It was not only Adultery, but of the worst kind. We could have gotten back together, the opportunity and love was there. But I asked him "Would you want to hold this over my head for the rest of our life?" and he said yes, and he would have, he was a grudge holder, and I knew it. I did not want that, because even though I told myself I could forgive myself, I must have known that I am my own worst enemy and never would. I still hold it over my head and I haven't seen him in 20 years. I haven't ever cheated on anyone else again, I learned my lesson. But I still don't think, even though I know we were young and ill equipped to deal with all of the things that marriage entails, I have forgiven myself for my short comings. So I kept my name to remind myself how imperfect and unforgivable I am.
Why was is so easy to give up my maiden name? Well, when I grew up it was nothing for a man to leave his family when he left his wife. Divorce was a little less common and laws and society were different. My father stayed around for a few years, but when he remarried he and his wife decided that they did not want to deal with the drama of picking me up and seeing my mother and spending time with me, so they stopped. I haven't seen or heard from my father since I was 8 years old. No birthdays, or graduations. I did hear from his wife one time when my mother asked for some money from back child support which he never paid, even though he could afford to (yeah, he could, he was quite successful). She wrote that I was not his child and he would not pay. Possible, maybe, except not only do I look like ALL of his children, his oldest sons daughter and grand daughters look just like me when I was a child. So completely doubtful, and to a 13 year old girl completely hurtful and embarrassing. On top of all of that, my mother liked to change our last names "for school" to whomever's last name she was married to at the time. Adding to a shame an unidentify with that name. So I was quite ready for a change.
Tonight I was watching a short Tony Robbins film. While watching and reflecting on what I was watching, I found myself using my maiden name again, and I completely forgot that it was not my legal name, or that I had ever had any other. I have grown, some not a lot, and I have also learned more about family in the last 20 years. I have learned more about family in the last two years than in any others. And maybe that sense of family and wanting a family name is what made the event this evening possible. Maybe I am finally ready to forgive my young self of such unforgivable acts.
I think I am ready to create a new identity for myself. A new me. No matter what I believe I am, my life does not show that deep down I believe that. My relationships don't work. I am alone except for my children. I must be doing something wrong, I have said that time and time again. Because when you are doing things right, you might have set backs, but you will reach your goal, and my goal is not to have bad relationships, I want fantastic relationships with every one I meet. My goal is to be surrounded with friends and family all the time, but I spend my holidays alone. My goal is to have an abundant life, but I am facing eviction. My goal is to be helpful and a blessing to others, but I don't see anyone feeling blessed to know me. I see lots of people feeling they can and are a blessing in my life (and it is true that I have been truly blessed to have wonderful people in my life), but I don't see many people who feel blessed because they know me. And sometimes I ask, what did I do right, because in my greatest time of need, there has always been someone there for me. Often they are only in my life for the brief period that they needed to be. But they are there.
I am not sure how change comes about so that the goals of relationships, community, family and abundance are prevalent in my life. Is it as simple as saying thank you everyday to the people who show up? Is it as simple as making a decision that this is my life, so it will be? Is it as simple as letting go of my last name, and changing what I and others call me? I have always had the same goals, but I don't seem to know how to get to them, what is the path?
I can say that two years ago, when my son was 14, I gave birth to another little boy. Two things happened then to change my attitude about family. One, I wanted my boys to be close and spend all of their holidays together. This meant that I would have to change my attitude about spending my time with the older boy and his father's family at holidays. It isn't my favorite thing to do, his father has a way of taking over the space he occupies, and I seem to come up on the short end of the stick in my relationship with my son because of it. For many years i would not give my holidays with my son up to join his family because I wanted the holiday with my son and I to be a day I got to spend with my son, our traditions, our way. But now I think it is better for the boys to be together, than for the three of us to spend every other holiday, and the boys miss holidays together because I want them to myself.
The second thing was I realized that the younger boys father was not going to be a catalyst to having our own family and traditions. He and I did not stay together very long, and the few holidays we spent together were very unpleasant for everyone. So our family has become smaller. Good or bad, his father has not shown an interest in spending time with his son, so it is easy to bring my sons together and hope that they will create their own traditions that will live on as they grown up.
I bring all of this up to say, this has taken me on a different path to finding happiness with my nuclear family. It may not be the road I thought I would go down, but I hope that it leads to a closeness for them and for us. It has also opened a relationship with the older boys father and his wife that we did not have before. Well that and the fact that his father is the only person who has known me, even though we did not live together the whole time, for the last 20 years. And the only person who knows me like he does, as a person.
I can't have a baby to change my attitude about everything in life. But I can find a way to look at my choices and try to see if there are other choices to make. It is one of the catalysts that has brought me to my desire to work from home and create my own path. To know that my efforts are for my family and rewarded appropriately, and I am the only one who can change that. And hopefully, I will learn how to become the person I believe myself to be during the process. I intend to try. And I intend to change my name, because it is time I have my own destiny.
The link for the film I was watching go to http://www.robbinsmadanestraining.com/final.html
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